Imagine there is a goblin inside you, sitting resting his back on your stomach. He’s about a foot tall with really long arms,  green skin and big teeth.

Artists (i.e. my) impression of the cause of Goblinitis



Now Goblins are pretty lazy, so most of the time he’s asleep, but every now and then he wakes up, when you’re stressed your increased heartbeat wakes him up too.  When he’s sleeping you wouldn’t even know he was there, but when he wakes up he wants to play*, and goblin’s ideas of fun isn’t the same of ours.  What he does for fun is tie your organs and tubes together, a favourite is a kidney and an ovary, or wrapping your fallopian tubes around your womb then knotting you ovary’s together. The goblin is also hungry so he knaws at your insides, squeezing and clawing you to soften you up a bit. He can be awake and hungry anything from 2 hours to 2 days.

I have goblinitis, except the doctors don’t seem to know why I have a goblin. I’ve had so many blood tests recently I have track marks and look like a heroin addict. I’ve been refereed to dieticians, surgeons and had what seems like a billion scans and xrays. I’ve been singed off work for 2 weeks and I’m due to go back on Monday, however, just thinking about it wakes the goblin up again.

* He also stretches out to his full size making you look and feel like you’re about to give birth.

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