Faint heart

So as you all know I have Goblinitis and investigations are still on-going as to what the cause is*. But Friday brought something different.

On Thursday I left work early as I was feeling absolutely pants, I did my core hours then went home. I felt faint, nauseas and sleepy, I collapsed in bed as soon as I got home and slept through ’til the next morning. I woke up in the wee hours, about 5 am feeling even worse than the previous day, to add to this my goblin was making himself known by stabbing me from the inside. I started to get out of bed to get my pain killers from across the room and somehow ended up in a crumpled heap on the floor, I don’t know if I just fell, as my limbs felt like jelly or passed out briefly. But anyway I was on the floor and not going anywhere, most certainly not in the direction of my drugs, I started to cry as I pulled and shuffled my way back into bed. I was going to be in a lot of pain for the foreseeable future and there was nothing I could do about it, I just lay on my side and waited for either one of my parents to come in or for my body to do what I told it to.

I heard my parents wake up about 6, I called out but my voice wasn’t strong enough to be heard over the trampling up and down stairs and the dog wanting to be let out. So I gave up, eventually my mum came in to see how I was, and I got her to get my pain killers and a drink and gulped them down, holding the glass in two shaking hands. Obviously I wasn’t going into work today, as a wave of lightheadedness subsided I phoned work blethered something about being ill then fell asleep almost immediately.

I woke up again I don’t know what time, but it was still dark. I kept seeing flashing lights with my eyes open and closed, and I felt like I was on a new plane of conciousness, one I’d never been on before. It was like I wasn’t in my body, like I was watching myself. It wasn’t like being high, I’ve experienced that with weed and pethidine, they make me feel floaty but I’m still there, I’m still in control. This was different, I could feel everything that was happening it just felt removed from me. I twitch I have done ever since I started on Sertraline, not much just a few times a day a random muscle will spasm once and that’s it. But as I was lying there outside myself every single muscle twitched, then again and again, they kept on going I’m not sure how long for and I remember thinking as I slipped into unconsciousness as my body stopped moving “This isn’t right, remember this”.

I spent all day sliding in and out of conciousness, dealing with the same waves of light-headedness when I was awake. Sometimes I was fully compos mentis and could and did carry on a conversation. Other times I was looking blearily around the room wondering where I was and having the flashing lights all over my view, again with my eyes both open and closed. I would wake up with a jump, as if I’d been dreaming of falling, but I never was dreaming of falling just my entire body twitching for no apparent reason.

It was the afternoon before I could get out of bed, and struggle to the toilet, it wasn’t until the evening that my brain was functioning enough for me to remember everything and put all the pieces together. I’d had a seizure. I texted a medical friend, who suspected a reaction to the tramadol and told me to go the doctor and describe my symptoms exactly the was I had to him.

The next 2 days I was still feeling faint and had to keep going for a lie down but I felt about a million times better than I had on Friday. As I hadn’t realised what had happened until the evening and I seemed to be getting better I decided it was best to wait to see my own GP as opposed to going to a+e or the OOH doctor. From previous experience they would just tell me to see my GP on Monday anyway.

So today I saw a doctor, I wouldn’t normally see him, but I thought my symptoms were serious enough to warrant an appointment asap and not wait to see my usual GP. I went to see the doctor described my symptoms as above and his reaction was as follows:

Doctor: *checks my BP & pulse (both are normal)* It’s the tramadol it’s an opiate they make you feel like this

Me: Well I’ve been on pethidine, and been high on that, this didn’t feel the same at all.

Doctor: Well these symptoms can also be caused by stress, so just tell yourself you’re not physically ill and get over it.

Me: *look of disbelief*

Doctor: Take less of the tramadol, it can cause these symptoms along with your anti-depressants.

Me: Well is there an alternative I can take?

Doctor: Co-Codamol

Me: I’ve had that it did nothing.

That wasbasically it. I’m not medically qualified but I think someone having a fit, is worthy of a little investigation. If it is the tramadol then why not give me an alternative? Why was I prescribed it in the first place if it commonly reacts with the type of anti-depressant I’m on? And telling me to just get over my stress and that it’s all in my head, shouldn’t be said to anyone, never mind someone battling mental health problems. I came home in tears, and explained everything to my dad, he kindly went over and booked me an appointment with the doctor I usually see for Wednesday. If any medical types read this let me know your opinion please, it’s not just me is it?

* The best bet at the moment is IBS in an otherwise healthy gut or something to do with my lady bits (I’ve been referred to obgyn for more tests)

Happy New Year

So it’s now 2010, apparently we’re supposed to be happy about this? I’m not sure anyway got me thinking about what a fucked up shitty year 2009 was for me and how I hope to G-d 2010 will be better. In brief:

January: My lover breaks up with me for another woman with no warning days before my birthday and about 2 weeks before valentines day. Oh and he was probably cheating on me throughout January. I go up to Aberdeen to escape where a friend gets engaged to his girlfriend (who we all hate) and seems to have forgotten the fact that someone else is very obviously in love with him and he is with her. My ex’s friends send me abusive texts making everything my fault, despite the fact I was madly in love with him and he ditched me.

February: After weeks of crying I loose all trust in men completely and am a complete wreak, the centre of my life has vanished, and I still love him and think of him every day. An old school friend who has a girlfriend makes moves on me and won’t leave me alone (still won’t leave me alone actually, and he has a different girlfriend now)

March: I started to lean to drive with my over-charging, abusive, racist, anti-Semitic, bully of an instructor, he made me cry a lot, I still flinch when I have to say “I don’t know” as an answer to someone’s question, as he would launch into a tirade at me if I ever said this and didn’t seem far from hitting me. He called me a “big cry baby” too, charming man. I also realised that I had in all probability had a miscarriage whist with my ex, as I need the depo injection every 2 months not every 3 so was unprotected for 3 months on & off while we were together.

April: In an effort to get over my ex I joined match and met a really lovely guy, who was incredibly kind and understanding, but, he ended up getting a job he didn’t think he had, which would have made it nigh on impossible to see each other, and much of the day he would be without his mobile so if I had a big down swing and needed him I wouldn’t be able to get hold of him. We both built our hopes up and both got burnt. Also a creepy guy tried to get me in his car whilst walking the dog.

May: was an incredibly boring month, so much so there are only 4 posts to it. But I did get back in contact with a man who well I was more than half in love with ever since we’d met. Things were going really well between us again but of course it fucks up later in the year.

June: Nightjack was unmasked and the whole blogsphere rose up in anger at it. And it did effect me, many police bloggers shut their blogs down and a lot of us anonymous and semi-anonymous bloggers got quite worried.

I got this far though this post and gave up re-living what a shit 365 days it’s been was just too depressing. Needless to say, the rest of last year was just was bad if not worse than the first half.

I am hoping and praying so much 2010 will be different, not sure I can take another year like the last.

Posted in 2009. 3 Comments »