This is the second year running I’ve spent New Year’s Eve alone and in bed, last year I was in no fit mental state to go out anywhere. This year… Well this year I appear to have lost the majority of my friends. I don’t know how I’ve managed to do it… But somewhere along the line I’ve lost touch with people, somehow.
A dear friend very kindly gave me £50 for Christmas so I could buy petrol and come and spend it with my family. It made my mum’s year but I’m tempted to send him the money back, when I can afford it, as it’s all gone a bit wrong.
I was ill when I came down, recovering from a very bad cold/mild flu, so I knew I couldn’t do crimble dinner with the family, including grandparents (which was a bonus in all honestly as it’s a depressing affair at the best of times). But it doesn’t matter, I thought, I’ll see all my mates and have a grand old time, especially now I can drive, I bet I’ll hardly see my parents at all. Ummm… Yeah. I’ve spent the past week in the house, and not seen a soul aside from my parents. I’ve texted, facebooked, tweeted, done pretty much everything aside from actually going to knock on people’s doors and got nothing… Begged to know people’s New Year plans, made t clear I was free and would like to be doing something… Still nothing. I even asked people at the other ends of the country, saying I could drive up/down. The 2 who actually responded were both negatives, for good enough reasons, and at least they responded.
All this has been further compounded by various other issues. My mother revealed that one of my cousins, who I was inseparable with as a child, is an alcoholic, she had to quit her job before they fired her for drinking at work, she’s been in rehab. Oh and tonight I just found out she’s already fallen off the wagon today. Alcoholism runs in my family, it’s no surprise one of my generation is carrying on this tradition. And goodness knows she has had a shit time of it recently, she’s been anorexic, after being very overweight as a child/teenager. She was assaulted at work leaving a huge scar across her face. She went to uni, decided to change degrees, meaning she had to do an extra year, then dropped out. Her boyfriend of several years was killed in a motorcycle accident, which devastated her. She developed epilepsy and (unsurprisingly) depression.
When my mum told be about the alcoholism, I wasn’t surprised, and I was going to text her, say lets together, maybe even see what she wanted to do for NYE, as I’m driving I’m not really drinking at the moment so she’d have someone to stay dry with. But I didn’t I was stuck in my own little pity party and I’m going to be wondering for a long time to come if I could have helped her stay sober. I know that she needs to do this herself, and she won’t beat this unless she wants to. I’m going to give it a day or so then text her, not going say anything about all this, just see if she wants to go out for lunch or shopping in the sales or something. See what she says, maybe be open with her about my problems see if she opens up.
On top of this I’ve managed to break my car in various ways already, blame a friend’s evil drive for 2 of my little accidents, and someone vandalised my windscreen… These have to be hidden from my mother as she’ll flip out, considering she brought me the car I don’t blame her.
I also still have a lot of money troubles, national rail are on my back as my young person’s rail card had run out when I came home a while back and I didn’t realise. They were going to charge me over £200, which I couldn’t afford (and still can’t) and now they’re threatening prosecution. My bank keeps ringing me and sending me letters as I keep going over my overdraft (accidentally)…
Also add to this the fact I’m still late on an assignment for university, which I got one extension for and need to apply for another, and that I just can;t my head in the right place to write the assignment and you have one very stressed, upset, ill Minx.
I’m sorry for the downer nature of this post but I needed to vent and fuck it, this is my damn blog I’ll write what I like!! I hope the rest of you have had a much better Chanukka/Christmas/New Year’s than me. And here is hoping to a much better 2011.