Too much too soon?

So, the past few months has been kind of hard mental health wise, every time I’ve started to perk up, something has gone wrong. This has currently culminated in TakenBoy ending up having a “thing” with a girl. Which y’know we’re poly this shouldn’t be a problem. But it is, not because he’s involved with another person but the person that it is. I get on with her, there’s just something that niggles at the back of my mind, and annoyingly I don’t know what it is. There are other girls he’s either been involved with or likes within the friendship group and them I’m ok with. But this one, she was/is involved with a mutual (poly) friend, I even though I had no interest in him I was still anti it, there was that niggle.

It sounds an awful lot like I’m making excuses for just not being ok with poly and him having other women in his life, but I know what jealously feels like. I am jealous, I am possessive and I am insecure, but and this is the important bit, I know I am. I know how to deal with it, I know what it feels like when I feel jealous, I know this isn’t the a jealous reaction. If it was I’d feel differently, and I’d go sit and think about my feelings, process them and get over it. And it’s really hard putting that across to him, I don’t want to sound like a crazy possessive bitch*.

We’ve talked about it, he knows how I feel, there was crying involved unfortunately**. He knows I don’t like them being involved, but I have also said I am not going to mope, guilt-trip him or sabotage them in any way, I am going to do my level best to get over this feeling (or at least be callous and get the attitude of if she fuck’s you over it’s your own fault, I’ll pick up the pieces but that’s it)***. I’m giving it a month, if I’m still unhappy, then we’re going to need to revisit the whole issue and I don’t think that will go well.

Having a “It’s her or me.” discussion is never going to end well, and I’ve the horrible feeling that even if it is me there will always be this between us. She’s in our friendship group, several student societies we belong to and she’s dating a close friend of ours. They’ll be a problem between me and her, I stopped her from seeing him and that’s going to be an issue. There’s also the other problem of if he’ll end up cheating on me with her, he’s done it before to his last girlfriend though the situation was very different. And then there’s the other side of the coin, he’ll choose her, which I’m afraid is much more likely****, there’s the whole she’s younger, prettier, skinnier than me*****, but more importantly she’s not crazy and can cope with poly much better. So if he chooses her there’s still all the same problems, it will make any social situation I attend massively awkward and I’ll probably leave all the societies I’m a member of and not see my very close friends any more as it’ll upset me too much.

So I’m aiming for the callous attitude and hoping it all ends soon (and yes horribly because then there’s little chance it will happen again). Does that make me a bitch? Yes, but it’s a coping skill and as the others are along the lines of self-harm and becoming a hermit or total denial and become a hermit, so this is the healthiest if not the most ideal. I’m also going to try and get another lover up here myself, at least then I’ll have something to distract me, there are already two possibilities though one is disgustingly young!******

 

* Which I am, but not in this case!

** I have real trouble controlling things like this, when I start I can’t stop, and all it takes is sometimes literally spilt milk to set me off.

*** I didn’t say that bit to him of course.

**** Though that could just be my insecurity talking.

***** Though I have a better figure even as a fattie, she’s not curvy, she’s got that weird just developed breasts/hips look you sometimes see on grown women that makes them look almost childish.

****** I’ve worked out that when I was starting university he was still a year off starting secondary school *shudder*.

Three’s a crowd

Insert usual apologies for lack of blogging. As usual a combination of health issues and running around like a blue arsed fly, for someone who’s unemployed I have an oddly small amount of spare time… Anyway on to the important stuff*…

The most excitement I suppose has been my love life, much maligned on these pages, but currently blooming into something rather new and unexpected. It’s all gone a bit poly. I’ve always said poly it’s not for me, no problem with the concept but I’m too insecure to cope with it. TakenBoy is no longer taken, well except possibly by me, he finally ended it with his (very) long term girlfriend and right now we’re… Complicated. Without wanting to put too much of a label on it, we’re lovers, which I’m more than happy with. We’re a definite couple and acting like it in public and everything! We’ve had a few issues, I don’t mind him sleeping with others, but there are certain people I’d much rather he didn’t, but we’re working it out. We’re both new to this and every single, lets just call them “non-monogamous “couples””, have their own brand of poly/non-monogamy, we’re still working out what ours is.

Next in line we have SugarDaddy, so called from a joke that had a slight ring of truth to it. He is older than me, and does tend to buy me things but he’s certainly not rich and I’m definitely not in it for the money. We met LARPing (yeah I got dragged into that by one of my tenants), I don’t actually remember the first time we met, it was dark and an assassin had just snuck into our camp**. His first thoughts of me were I was “Cute, blue & bolshy.”*** We ended up talking on facebook and flirted and got close, then at the next event he spent the night’s in my tent, I soaked the blankets covering the blow-up bed, we got a standing ovation from the rest of the LARPers from him spanking me & my noises in response. Oh at the next event he partially dislocated my hip during sex and I ended up in A+E, this has led to a nick-name of “smasher” amongst my LARP buddies, which I daren’t tell him for fear of how embarrassed he’ll get about it! He’s never been interested in poly, but when I met him I was already involved with TakenBoy & someone who doesn’t have a psydonym yet. He knew how complicated my love life was and that there were other men I cared dearly for and that I was a working girl. But again love just blossomed, at first I didn’t know if I fancied him or was just grateful for the attention, but after that first time, I knew I did like him, for real and it’s just kept going. I find him really hard to read a lot of the time, and we sometimes argue, he’s not had the best past in relationships and he lives on the other side of the country but we’re muddling along, in fact he’s up tomorrow for a long weekend I intend to spend most of the weekend giving my bed a run for it’s money.

Finally we have the one without a pseudonym yet… *thinks*… Let’s call him FickleBoy, as we’ve been on and off more times than a hot tap. In all fairness to him, he’s snowed under with university work, and doesn’t have a car or much money, it’s not as easy for him to visit as SugarDaddy, and as I’m equally skint I can’t visit him. We don’t talk for weeks, then we talk all the time and he tells me how much he loves me and that he’s finally found someone to spend the rest of his life with. And sometimes he’s fine with the poly, then he’s not and wants me to himself. To which my reply is, “you’ll have to work for it”, he often expects everything and gives nothing. I care about him I really do, and I know he cares about me, but gods he’s a poor way of showing it! I’m not going to go into the details ‘cos you’ll all get bored to death (that is if you’ve not wondered off already).

But I’m in love, I’m happy and life’s not too bad akshully…

 

* though I may get distracted by the awesomeness of Magnum PI.

** I’m not even going to try and explain further.

*** I was rocking blue hair at the time.

Nothing

Housemate: “So what happened with you & TakenBoy last night then?”

Minx: “Erm, nothing…”

First time I’ve been able to say that and not be lying though my teeth. TakenBoy is… Complicated. He’s taken obviously, and was living with his long term girl-friend*, however, he is poly, their relationship is not. He is also unhappy, our group of friends is constantly asking when he’s going to end it. He’s in a D/S relationship with a mutual friend and I first met him there. I wasn’t interested in him at all, he seemed a nice guy but not my type at all. We occasionally saw each other at various gatherings and got on but still I wasn’t attracted to him. He was too short, too skinny, too pretty & baby-faced and 99% of the time a sub. I like my men tall, dark and rugged who will pin me against a wall.

Our mutual friends had a house-party for the eurovision, he ended up standing behind me and stroking my hair & neck ( nothing special we’re a very touchy-feely group) I stared to play bite & nibble whenever his hand came into reach, play bites turned into sucking and nibbling, then he was kissing me. Suddenly it was “oooh I like this guy!”. We did nothing more than kiss and we didn’t managed to get together again for ages, then we ended up having a foursome with my house-mate and another friend. A while late we spent the night together, no sex again but lots of other things.

All of a sudden things cooled off, he wasn’t returning my texts and when he did he dodged any questions about coming over. I finally snapped, got really upset and told him that I wasn’t going to try any more and if he didn’t want to see me he didn’t have to. “The reason I don’t reply is that the idea of coming over and spending the night is just too temping.” We talked and it boiled down to he didn’t want to get tangled up in anything else and just wanted to sort his head out and decided what the hell he was going to do with his life. Which is fair enough, but I told him off for not just saying from the beginning, which would have saved a lot of trouble.
We’ve seen each other a few times since then, he’s helped me out with the house, and the odd pub quiz. But we finally got to spend some time alone last night. I wasn’t expecting him to stay over, but after dinner and games we ended up snuggeled up in bed watching Hot Fuzz. Though at one point I ended up pinned to the bed, it was actually innocent (at least on the face of things) but it really turned me on. As it was half one in the morning by the time the film finished he ended up staying over. There was more snuggles, tickles, kisses & nibbles, it wasn’t intentional, just instinct, then suddenly we remembered we were supposed to behave. So we did. For about 5 minutes.  About every 20 minutes we’d remember the behaving thing again and stop.  The same happened in the morning when we woke up, ironically the closest we came to anything was after he’s got dressed and was about to leave.

It was the worst night I’ve spent in a long time. “I’m literally aching for you.” I whispered, his only reply was and understanding sigh and to hold me tightly. All night was like that, wanting nothing more than to have him and knowing he felt the same way**.

Having someone to hug me and snuggle with was wonderful, but that frustration, that was hell. As his friend I don’t want to get in the way of his happiness or mess things up. As a woman I want him, I don’t care what it takes. I don’t want to loose my friendship but gods above I need someone right now.

* She had to move about half-hour away for work.

** If I was him I suspect I would have passed out from lack of blood to the brain if you get my meaning.

Weird Old Men.

Inspired by the wonderful Eskimo I’ve decided to list my weird old man crushes, just cos it’s a bit of fun and I’ve not posted for ages. Though personally I don’t see Hugh Laurie as a “weird” crush, he’s scrummy and always has been.

Jason Isaacs, I want to have his beautiful Jewish babies, he’s just divine. I think he and the ever sexy Jason Statham would have to be my two freebies, y’know even if I was married with kids I’d be allowed them.

Gary Sinise, it’s probably the character of Mac Taylor in CSI: NY I find attractive as opposed to the actor himself, I still wouldn’t kick him out of bed though.

Robert Knepper, first came to my attention in Prison Break, the character of T-bag being so deliciously evil and yet funny and sympathetic at the same time, a tribute to his skills (as well as the writers).

Willaim Fichtner is next, Black Hawk Down, whist being a wonderful and poignant film is also a totty-fest, but it’s the more unlikely figure of Mr Fichtner that caught my eye in it.

Robert LaSardo, combines my love of ink, bald men and goatees, ’nuff said.

 

Finally, for now, is the dog whisperer himself Ceasar Milan, as Misssy M said “He has the twinkliest eyes of any man.” He is also surprisingly well built when you look at him.

 

 

That’s enough for now I think, otherwise I’m going to come over all faint. Please feel free to share your weird old man crushes in the comments.

Taken

I’m guessing this has happened to a few of you but it’s still a weird feeling and one I feel the need to explore, there is a person in my life, a friend, and I know if he wasn’t with his girlfriend he’s be with me, he just happened to meet me after her, if it had happened the other way around maybe she would be writing something like this.

We talked about it between ourselves, and we both agree on the matter, so it’s not just me going all bunny boiler on someone, and I’m not about to go take her out with a rifle or anything! It’s just when ever we talk there’s this little nagging feeling, especially when we flirt or mess about, a feeling of “you should be mine”. I’m happy to talk with him about his relationship and about her, she’s a lovely girl and he loves her a lot. But weirdly I’d say me and him were more compatible than him and her.

He wants to marry her, he’s planning on proposing within the next year or so, and part of me if made up for him he’s obviously happy and I want my friends to be happy. The other part of me is regretful, I suppose, wondering what might have been and if we could have spent the rest of our lives together and had kids and such. I know he thinks about it to.

And I struggle, I want to chase after him, give it all I’ve got and steal him from her, but clichéd as it is, I also don’t want to spoil our friendship. What makes it more difficult is the fact we have done things we shouldn’t have together, we find it hard not to touch each other and so I keep thinking “Would it be all that hard to get him?”.

Maybe in a alternate universe we’re together, and in others we never met, and one shouldn’t dwell too much on this sort of thing, or you’ll end up questioning every decision you’ve ever made. But I’d be intrigued to hear what others have done in this situation did you chase or leave well alone? Despite the fact we’ve known each other for over a year now I’m still deciding what to do, or not as the case may be.

Again

BestFriend once commented several years ago that my life was like a soap opera, she’s right, drama seems to follow me, especially where personal relationships are concerned. BestFriend’s comment was borne testament to once again this morning. Before I go onto that I’m going to lay a little background down for new readers and to remind old readers what happened.

In my 3rd year of uni I met someone, he was very much my type and a lovely chap, we met several times, had coffee, lunch but nothing ever happened. He was a lecturer at my university though not a lecturer of mine. After I had graduated he sent me a message on myspace, along the lines of “I really like you I always have, but because you were a student I didn’t want to do anything. Now you’ve graduated do you want to meet up?” Now for some reason myspace was being arsey it never sent me the email saying so-and-so has sent you a message.  So I didn’t get the message for about 3 months. When I did get it we talked on facebook chat (I’d jumped ship on myspace by this point) and he all but declaired his undying love for me.

We deicided to meet up, he would soon be leaving the country but we figured even a short time together was better than nothing, at the last minute he pulled out, decided it would cause too much pain, but we promised to stay in contact and we did. But we also stayed more than friends. He called me “his angel” told me that he loved me many times and that I would “remain forever the special one” he was also supposed to be visiting the UK again for business and wanted to meet up.

A reader from my old blog contacted me, she wanted to know where the new one was, we actually had a class at university together, I had no idea she read it. But via the wonders of facebook I knew that she knew this man, I replied along the lines of “my relationship with X is rather complicated, always has been and remains to be I’d rather know how well you knew him before giving you the address of this.”

This morning I woke up to her replies, yes there were 2, the first saying basically “He was a lecturer and is now a friend, don’t worry, I’d not tell him anything you wrote.” I looked at the second assuming she’d just sent the same email twice but double checking to be sure. This one was very different:

“Ok, I’ve been lied to enough this past year that I’m ashamed to have gone and done the same to you.  Please accept my most wholehearted apologies for the email I sent you an hour ago.  Since you have been honest with me, you deserve nothing less than my complete honesty with you.  I lied because I was afraid that if I were honest, you may feel scared and not be honest anymore with me – but this is wrong of me to presume this, so I offer you here the entire truth. ”

I won’t write her entire email down, suffice to say it boils down to this; She is X’s wife, and she has been for longer than I have known him…

For the past 2 years I have been his unwitting mistress while his wife was (almost) blissfully unaware, she suspected something, but had no idea it was me.

We have been exchanging emails all morning, it has been strangely cathartic for both of us.  All the worries about her marriage she’s been able to confess as I was the cause of them. She has asked for some of the emails he sent, I have obliged, I can’t not. She deserves to know the entire truth, that this wasn’t some idle cybering of a bored husband but a full fledged affair for all but distance. Had we met up when he was over here we would have slept together, all the while me thinking he was single.

I do not know what she is going to do, she has asked me not to tell him and I don’t want to. She needs to think about what to do.

And I am having to come to terms with the fact that this morning I wrecked a marriage while she reads his words of love to me.

Posted in men, sex. 2 Comments »

Good Vibrations

Recently a friend of mine, well, prospective shag really, told me that my constant talk of being ill and in pain was “a bit of a turn off”, others have also commented on the fact that I’m increasingly negative. Now while this upset me, and it did, a lot*, it also got me thinking.

I don’t want to turn men off, and I don’t want to turn people off in general. My one defence is at the moment I am constantly ill and in pain, along with being clinically depressed most folk would be a little negative. That doesn’t mean I have to be though.

When my prospective shag told me the above, he also just cancelled on me, ironically he wasn’t feeling too hot. So I decided every time something crap happened, like a cancelled date or whatever, I’m going to look at the situation and decide what’s positive about it.**

However lame my positive side is, that’s what I’m going to (try to) focus on. I’m not going to become one of these scary Ned Flanders types who is constantly happy about everything and makes you back away slowly from the cazed gleam in their eye. But I am going to make a change.

I do hate my job, and I do hate my lack of social life, but I’m trying to change both of these aspects of my life, and doing it with a slightly less pessimistic outlook will, I hope, bring change sooner and more smoothly than otherwise. And to be frank anything that gets in the way of me getting laid just aint good enough.

So thank you to my prospective shag for giving me a kick up the arse when I needed it, I think that evens out the karma for it making me cry.

Ha! y’all thought this would be a post about sex toys didn’t you!

*For those of you not familiar with my mental health issues, I have several manic and depressive episodes a day, guess what kind this one set off…

**Geekily my positive side to a cancelled date was more time to play WoW before the “love is in the air” festival finished so I could grab more special goodies.