Too much too soon?

So, the past few months has been kind of hard mental health wise, every time I’ve started to perk up, something has gone wrong. This has currently culminated in TakenBoy ending up having a “thing” with a girl. Which y’know we’re poly this shouldn’t be a problem. But it is, not because he’s involved with another person but the person that it is. I get on with her, there’s just something that niggles at the back of my mind, and annoyingly I don’t know what it is. There are other girls he’s either been involved with or likes within the friendship group and them I’m ok with. But this one, she was/is involved with a mutual (poly) friend, I even though I had no interest in him I was still anti it, there was that niggle.

It sounds an awful lot like I’m making excuses for just not being ok with poly and him having other women in his life, but I know what jealously feels like. I am jealous, I am possessive and I am insecure, but and this is the important bit, I know I am. I know how to deal with it, I know what it feels like when I feel jealous, I know this isn’t the a jealous reaction. If it was I’d feel differently, and I’d go sit and think about my feelings, process them and get over it. And it’s really hard putting that across to him, I don’t want to sound like a crazy possessive bitch*.

We’ve talked about it, he knows how I feel, there was crying involved unfortunately**. He knows I don’t like them being involved, but I have also said I am not going to mope, guilt-trip him or sabotage them in any way, I am going to do my level best to get over this feeling (or at least be callous and get the attitude of if she fuck’s you over it’s your own fault, I’ll pick up the pieces but that’s it)***. I’m giving it a month, if I’m still unhappy, then we’re going to need to revisit the whole issue and I don’t think that will go well.

Having a “It’s her or me.” discussion is never going to end well, and I’ve the horrible feeling that even if it is me there will always be this between us. She’s in our friendship group, several student societies we belong to and she’s dating a close friend of ours. They’ll be a problem between me and her, I stopped her from seeing him and that’s going to be an issue. There’s also the other problem of if he’ll end up cheating on me with her, he’s done it before to his last girlfriend though the situation was very different. And then there’s the other side of the coin, he’ll choose her, which I’m afraid is much more likely****, there’s the whole she’s younger, prettier, skinnier than me*****, but more importantly she’s not crazy and can cope with poly much better. So if he chooses her there’s still all the same problems, it will make any social situation I attend massively awkward and I’ll probably leave all the societies I’m a member of and not see my very close friends any more as it’ll upset me too much.

So I’m aiming for the callous attitude and hoping it all ends soon (and yes horribly because then there’s little chance it will happen again). Does that make me a bitch? Yes, but it’s a coping skill and as the others are along the lines of self-harm and becoming a hermit or total denial and become a hermit, so this is the healthiest if not the most ideal. I’m also going to try and get another lover up here myself, at least then I’ll have something to distract me, there are already two possibilities though one is disgustingly young!******

 

* Which I am, but not in this case!

** I have real trouble controlling things like this, when I start I can’t stop, and all it takes is sometimes literally spilt milk to set me off.

*** I didn’t say that bit to him of course.

**** Though that could just be my insecurity talking.

***** Though I have a better figure even as a fattie, she’s not curvy, she’s got that weird just developed breasts/hips look you sometimes see on grown women that makes them look almost childish.

****** I’ve worked out that when I was starting university he was still a year off starting secondary school *shudder*.

Benefiting…

I’m not well, mentally or physically. I have clinical depression, ultra-ultra rapid cycling and IBS (possibly endo). In my previous job I worked their for 6 months, within those 6 months I had 60 days off. That’s 2 weeks off per month. This is mainly because my ?IBS is stress related. If I get upset or someone argues with me or some-such I will be crippled with pain within minutes. So combine this with a boring job I hate, working with people who I have nothing in common with, who make me feel like a total freak and you have an unhappy tHornyMinx and therefore an ill tHornyMinx.

Following all this I decided I was going back to university, I had a taste of the real world and I didn’t like it, I was going back to academia. The plan was to get an MSc in Evolutionary Anthropology (to follow my MA in Celtic Civilisation and History) then get a PhD combining the 2, then lecture and give other folk pointless degrees. I love my subjects, they fill me with a passion palpable to anyone who asks me about them. So in 4 years I will be a productive (tax paying) member of society and I know how I’m going to get there.

I was on Job Seekers Allowance*, but I decided I would be better off on ESA, Employment Support Allowance, which is basically JSA but for people with disabilities and DLA, Disability Living Allowance. I have to apply for both, as I can’t be in full time education without being on DLA. Despite the fact my course is only 10 hours a week and I’m willing to find a part time job the system doesn’t support that. My course is full time if the university says it is never mind it’s only 10 hours a week, to do it part time would take me 2 years meaning I was draining the state of more money.

As part of getting ESA I have to be signed off work by my doctor, there is one small problem, my medical records have not arrived from my previous practice. I have lived here 3 months, signed up to my new GP’s immediately, and I’ve phoned my old GP’s and they no longer have them. So they are lost in the ether in-between PCT’s and I have no idea when they will arrive. Without my records my new GP’s will not refer me to the CMHT (which I have practically begged them to do, I know I’m far more unstable that I was), and will not sign me off work. Now I don’t ahve the problem with the second part of this so much, if I was a GP (who gave a damn) I wouldn’t sign off someone with only their word for their medical history.

Because of my sickness record I can’t get a job, so I though about escorting, I figure, I love sex, I’m single, why not get paid for it. I’ve never seen anything wrong with the line of work but I always figured as a “big girl” I’d never get any custom.  But in the past year or so my eyes have been opened a lot more to the sex industry, I have several friends who are dominatrices and/or escorts. They love their work, they weren’t forced into it and they make a hell of a lot more money that any other job with the same hours***. So I bit the bullet, googlelled local escort agencies and sent off applications for about 10. There are a lot more agencies out there but they either looked cheap or wanted girls of a specific dress size. I heard back from 3 within a few days, unfortunately one was to say my photos hadn’t worked could I send them again. Another only wanted in-call girls which I won’t do for several reasons**. The final seemed hopeful, nice website, good response to me, saying they thought I’d be popular.  But then it was once thing after another, their email went funny so we missed a meeting, then she couldn’t make it to where I lived and all sorts. I usually hate phone calls but though I’d ring them instead of texting then I’d get an immediate response and be able to sort a meeting out. No answer, I tried sever different times. I’m going to try again tomorrow but that’s it, I’ve got a horrible feeling they’ve decided I’m not worth the bother and aren’t answering my calls.

I filled in my DLA form and man that thing is a bitch, it’s deigned for people who have disabilities like being in a wheelchair not less obvious ones like mental health issues. I got a response from them and they refused it. This caused a lovely major depressive episode for me, along with the above paragraph’s problems. Apparently I’m not at risk of hurting myself, the fact I only made it home by luck, is I think evidence against this. I was praying for a car to hit me, just to take my problems away at least temporarily, I didn’t look while crossing any roads, just walked, and prayed.

So I have no benefits, I have no savings, I can’t get a job, one of my parents is retired and one is unemployed himself, so they can’t support me. What on earth am I supposed to do? As I’m studying my housing benefit will also stop when I start uni. So I have £300 rent p/m to pay, plus food so about another £100 a month if I’m really frugal, more like £150-£200. And then there’s going out, books, entertainment for myself, which isn’t stuff I need (well except the books, but I’m not a freaking monk) so lets say another £100 for that. That’s £600 a month, I have to magic out of nowhere.

I wonder how the criminal underclass do it. If I wanted to do nothing with my life except take drugs and be a baby factory I’d have loads of cash. But I have a plan and a reasonable career choice I’m willing to work for, but I need help to get there. Help I would easily pay back with the taxes/NI etc on a lecture’s income. But I can’t get that help because the system is broken.

And it’s breaking me too.

*That’s the basic unemployment benefit for any overseas visitors.

** Safety, privacy and my house-mate.

*** Local out-call rates are about £120 an hour, the agency takes some so lets say you walk off with £90 cash in hand for an hour’s work. If I got 10 hours work a week I could make almost a grand.

Baby got back

Well I still don’t know who/what was the reason for the sudden spike in readers and links from facebook, but there doesn’t seem to have been a follow up so screw it, I’m going to keep blogging here, I refuse to run hiding again.

In the past 2 months since I’ve moved my “count”* up by 4, I’m not sure what’s worse, that 2 of them were due to a threesome, that 2 are best friend’s or that it might be going up by 1 more tonight… Whatever it is I hope it’s a taste of what’s to come, as I’ve basically had a 2 year dry spell since my ex. I’ve had sex, but it’s been just occasional things with friends with benefits and I’d like my regular dose of sexy time please!

The good things are the other girl from the threesome lives up here, and one of the friends is moving much closer.

I’ve always defined my sexuality as “greedy”, I like pleasure, I’m a total hedonist and I don’t care where it comes from man or woman. But I always want to come home, as it were, to a man, hence why I don’t describe myself as bisexual. But I would totally go gay for this girl. She’s so amazingly sexy and like me and I have no idea how she finds me attractive, but I can’t help but fancy the pants off her.  Unfortunately she has a boyfriend and despite her attempts at persuasion he doesn’t even want a threesome** never mind the possibility of something more with the both of them (he is quite sexy). But she’s so lovely I’m happy for us to be freinds and maybe I can tempt her back into my bed.

It’s the second of the freinds who is a more interesting prospect for more sex and possibly even more so. We’d never met before, I obviously knew his friend, and we’d be meaning to meet for a long time. We were meeting in the evening and going out with his friends et al for his birthday, it was the one time I was close enough and he was free to meet. All day I kept finding myself smiling for no reason, well I knew the reason it was him. I text him “hmmmm I keep smiling to myself, not fair boy since when did you get under my skin without my noticing? Most unsporting.” he replied “Same to you missy, I keep getting random excitement”… We went back to his place as we had time before we were supposed to meet his freinds later and I needed to drop my stuff off. Somehow we ended up in bed, I really don’t know how, it just happened, no-one’s ever got me in bed so fast including my ex.

We had a really good night out, we headed back to a friends, me and him were sat in the back of the car, my hand reached across to his leg, he took it in one hand and laid the other on top. We didn’t say anything, just sat like that while his two other mates blethered away in the front of the car. I don’t know, I’m not going to count my chickens before they hatch but I do think there’s a possibility for something more than sex. If not then we can just have lots of sex.

In other news, I start uni soon, and I have a lot to do, I’m trying to sort out my benefits, as my last job made me so sick I ended up in hospital several times and was in almost constant pain and on a shed-load of very dangerous and additive drugs. So I’m going to try and get on incapacity or “employment and support alliance” as it’s called now, and I’m finally going to get myself re-refereed to the CMHT up here, which as my moods have been a zillion times worse I need to (Having said that I haven’t stopped smiling and bouncing since I saw the guy at the weekend)***.

I am now off to collapse in bed and watch True Blood as I’ve spent the last week schlepping across the country from one side to another several times. I hope I’ll soon have something to write about.

* Yeah, we’ve all got one, I’m not disclosing the total though.

** Crazy boy.

*** Wow all a nympho needs is sex and some affection and suddenly she’s not a mentalist… And I’m so damn soppy.

Good Vibrations

Recently a friend of mine, well, prospective shag really, told me that my constant talk of being ill and in pain was “a bit of a turn off”, others have also commented on the fact that I’m increasingly negative. Now while this upset me, and it did, a lot*, it also got me thinking.

I don’t want to turn men off, and I don’t want to turn people off in general. My one defence is at the moment I am constantly ill and in pain, along with being clinically depressed most folk would be a little negative. That doesn’t mean I have to be though.

When my prospective shag told me the above, he also just cancelled on me, ironically he wasn’t feeling too hot. So I decided every time something crap happened, like a cancelled date or whatever, I’m going to look at the situation and decide what’s positive about it.**

However lame my positive side is, that’s what I’m going to (try to) focus on. I’m not going to become one of these scary Ned Flanders types who is constantly happy about everything and makes you back away slowly from the cazed gleam in their eye. But I am going to make a change.

I do hate my job, and I do hate my lack of social life, but I’m trying to change both of these aspects of my life, and doing it with a slightly less pessimistic outlook will, I hope, bring change sooner and more smoothly than otherwise. And to be frank anything that gets in the way of me getting laid just aint good enough.

So thank you to my prospective shag for giving me a kick up the arse when I needed it, I think that evens out the karma for it making me cry.

Ha! y’all thought this would be a post about sex toys didn’t you!

*For those of you not familiar with my mental health issues, I have several manic and depressive episodes a day, guess what kind this one set off…

**Geekily my positive side to a cancelled date was more time to play WoW before the “love is in the air” festival finished so I could grab more special goodies.

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