So, the past few months has been kind of hard mental health wise, every time I’ve started to perk up, something has gone wrong. This has currently culminated in TakenBoy ending up having a “thing” with a girl. Which y’know we’re poly this shouldn’t be a problem. But it is, not because he’s involved with another person but the person that it is. I get on with her, there’s just something that niggles at the back of my mind, and annoyingly I don’t know what it is. There are other girls he’s either been involved with or likes within the friendship group and them I’m ok with. But this one, she was/is involved with a mutual (poly) friend, I even though I had no interest in him I was still anti it, there was that niggle.
It sounds an awful lot like I’m making excuses for just not being ok with poly and him having other women in his life, but I know what jealously feels like. I am jealous, I am possessive and I am insecure, but and this is the important bit, I know I am. I know how to deal with it, I know what it feels like when I feel jealous, I know this isn’t the a jealous reaction. If it was I’d feel differently, and I’d go sit and think about my feelings, process them and get over it. And it’s really hard putting that across to him, I don’t want to sound like a crazy possessive bitch*.
We’ve talked about it, he knows how I feel, there was crying involved unfortunately**. He knows I don’t like them being involved, but I have also said I am not going to mope, guilt-trip him or sabotage them in any way, I am going to do my level best to get over this feeling (or at least be callous and get the attitude of if she fuck’s you over it’s your own fault, I’ll pick up the pieces but that’s it)***. I’m giving it a month, if I’m still unhappy, then we’re going to need to revisit the whole issue and I don’t think that will go well.
Having a “It’s her or me.” discussion is never going to end well, and I’ve the horrible feeling that even if it is me there will always be this between us. She’s in our friendship group, several student societies we belong to and she’s dating a close friend of ours. They’ll be a problem between me and her, I stopped her from seeing him and that’s going to be an issue. There’s also the other problem of if he’ll end up cheating on me with her, he’s done it before to his last girlfriend though the situation was very different. And then there’s the other side of the coin, he’ll choose her, which I’m afraid is much more likely****, there’s the whole she’s younger, prettier, skinnier than me*****, but more importantly she’s not crazy and can cope with poly much better. So if he chooses her there’s still all the same problems, it will make any social situation I attend massively awkward and I’ll probably leave all the societies I’m a member of and not see my very close friends any more as it’ll upset me too much.
So I’m aiming for the callous attitude and hoping it all ends soon (and yes horribly because then there’s little chance it will happen again). Does that make me a bitch? Yes, but it’s a coping skill and as the others are along the lines of self-harm and becoming a hermit or total denial and become a hermit, so this is the healthiest if not the most ideal. I’m also going to try and get another lover up here myself, at least then I’ll have something to distract me, there are already two possibilities though one is disgustingly young!******
* Which I am, but not in this case!
** I have real trouble controlling things like this, when I start I can’t stop, and all it takes is sometimes literally spilt milk to set me off.
*** I didn’t say that bit to him of course.
**** Though that could just be my insecurity talking.
***** Though I have a better figure even as a fattie, she’s not curvy, she’s got that weird just developed breasts/hips look you sometimes see on grown women that makes them look almost childish.
****** I’ve worked out that when I was starting university he was still a year off starting secondary school *shudder*.